Is Cohabitation Wrong for Christians?

According to the results of the United States Center for Disease Control (CDC) National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr064.pdf), cohabitation is on the rise. Forty-eight percent of women (aged 15-44) interviewed in 2006-2010 cohabitated with a partner as a first union, compared with 34% of women in 1995. Given the increase in cohabitation in the United States over the past several decades, Christians should acquaint themselves with what the Bible says about marriage and the spiritual issues with cohabitation.

The information provided below is not to be interpreted as judgmental in any way, but rather a thought provoking discussion that leads to Biblical truth through love and humility. As I have shared with others in the past, God has not given any of us the authority to “judge” one another when it comes to heaven or hell. God has however given us the responsibility to determine what is truth based on His Word with the guidance of His Holy Spirit and especially how His Word applies to the issues of the current culture. No matter the time people are living in, God’s Word is always valid since it is the living word. Even though times have changed, God’s morals have never changed but rather been expanded upon through the life of His Son, Jesus Christ. There are several issues with living together prior to marriage (a.k.a. cohabitation – I plan to refer to these interchangeably) which I believe are important to understand as a Christian.

1.       Biblical discussions of couples living together prior to marriage is not popular. One of the reasons it is not popular is because a lot of people fall into this category now (hence the CDC statistics) and people do not really want to hear the truth about it. Hearing the truth can significantly impact people lives, lifestyles, and living conditions. Many times, living together prior to marriage provides worldly conveniences and certainly nobody would like to be inconvenienced.  However just because a lot of people live together before marriage and it appears to be convenient, does this make it right for a Christian? Didn’t Jesus say, “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13-14).  Many people do not realize the issues associated with cohabitation from a Biblical perspective. Many people are following the broad way with respect to cohabitation. Therefore we must seek God’s Word and His will first and foremost. Second Timothy 3:16 states, “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.” On the topic of cohabitation, God does have something to say about it, even though His Word does not specifically say, “You cannot live together prior to marriage.” Below are some examples of the issues with cohabitation.

2.    Issue 1 – When God created the family in Genesis, the Bible says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” From the beginning, the joining of man and woman (especially to multiply) were considered husband and wife (married before God). Jesus confirmed this in Matthew 19:4-6, “ Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” God intended for husband and wife to come together to make one flesh, not unmarried couples. The relationship between a husband and a wife is discussed in Ephesians 5 and First Corinthians 7, not unmarried couples. The church of God (those saved from their sin and living a holy life) is even compared to a husband and wife (Revelation 21:2) in that we are the bride and Jesus is our groom/husband. At the beginning, there was no “marriage certificate” provided by an authorized signatory. The marriage was ordained by God as a convenant between one man and one woman with the agreement being that the man would cleave unto his wife and they would become one flesh forever. 

However as times, cultures, and laws have changed (not God’s Word – God never changes - Malachi 3:6), the agreement is not only that man would cleave to his wife, but also they would obtain a marriage certificate. Just as God ordained marriage by the cleaving of man and woman and ordaining the sacred covenant between them, He also ordained civil law, and He requires us as Christians to obey it (Romans 13:1-5; I Peter 2:13-14) unless the government commands us to do something sinful against God's law (Acts 5:29). Our civil government in the United States has laws defining what constitutes marriage. God commands us to obey those laws. Therefore we have no right to consider ourselves married until we have obeyed God and any applicable civil laws that define us to be married. In this case, for a couple to be considered married today in the United States, they would publicly celebrate (various forms of this) their covenant before God and obtain a marriage certificate from an authorized signatory.

On the other hand, say one day the laws change and a marriage certificate is no longer required, then what considers people married? In the Bible, when people got married, there was a public ceremony indicating their obedience to God and the covenant between both the man and the woman. The first recorded miracle Jesus performed was even at a wedding ceremony (John 2:11). Jesus also described what a marriage ceremony was like in Matthew 22. Therefore, for couples to be married without a piece of paper (assuming laws changed), there would still have to be a public ceremony/celebration for the purpose to show the covenant being established between the man and woman before God, family and friends (Matthew 22:1-10; John 2:1-11). Granted there could be several ways this ceremony/celebration could be conducted today, the important thing to realize is that this took place to signify their covenant before God and the community.

3.       Issue 2 – Couples living together prior to marriage are either tempted with fornication (pre-marital sexual relationship) or partake in fornication. Of course being tempted to partake in fornication or actually partaking in fornication is not only applicable to cohabitating couples, but the temptation can sometimes be much greater for couples living together. There is no sin in being tempted, however if a person yields to that temptation by either committing fornication physically or mentally, it is a sin. For example, James 1:13-15 says, “Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.” Since temptation can lead to sin and death (if we yield to that temptation), it is beneficial to look for a way of escape from that temptation. God has promised us that He is faithful and will always make a way of escape from temptation (I Corinthians 10:13). Furthermore, when Jesus' disciples asked Him how to pray, one example Jesus instructed them in their prayers was to ask God to "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" (Matthew 6:13). Therefore, one way to escape temptation would be to pray and ask God to not lead us into it in the first place! This is important because temptation can lead to sin and then death (spiritually).

With respect to fornication, First Corinthians 6:18  says, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” Galatians chapter 5 also tells us that those who commit fornication will not inherit the kingdom of God. Jesus also said that if we lust for someone in our hearts, we are guilty of adultery (Matthew 5:28). Even more so, Ephesians 5:3 says, “But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints.”

Furthermore, marriage was ordained by God at the beginning with Adam and Eve. Only in marriage does God permit a man and a woman to come together. Hebrews 13:4 also confirms this by stating, “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” With this verse we are to understand that God does not expect anyone and especially His people to have a sexual relationship if they are not married. That kind of relationship is solely reserved for marriage. God will judge those that partake in actions that dishonor Him. Again, if people are living together prior to marriage and are committing fornication (and even people are aren't living together but are committing fornication), then they have defiled the bed God intended to keep pure for marriage. Furthermore, if we are guilty of fornication and have not repented of it (meaning seeking forgiveness with Godly sorrow and changing one’s mind to abstain from sin), we will have sin in our life and Jesus said, “I go my way, and ye shall seek me, and shall die in your sins: whither I go, ye cannot come.” Any sin (such as fornication) in our life that is not repented of will prevent us to making it to Heaven.

Therefore, even though God created us with sexual desires (for the purpose of multiplying the earth once married), the sinful nature we inherited from Adam corrupts those desires and temptation from the devil entices us to partake in fornication. Paul said in First Corinthians 7:2, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” In other words, GET MARRIED! Paul also said that if one cannot keep themselves from fornication (physically or mentally), then to marry since it is “better to marry than to burn” (I Corinthians 7:9). Of course we should get married for the right reasons (e.g., Godly reasons) and based on Biblical and Civil laws. Fornication is not worth an eternity in hell. Therefore, we should pray to God to not lead us into temptation when it comes to fornication and one way to reduce the temptation is by abstaining from cohabitation (as well as other forms of contact that increase the temptation to partake in fornication).

4.       Issue 3 – Some have lived together and did not commit fornication and therefore they feel they are ok. This is where First Thessalonians 5:22 comes in with abstaining from all appearance of evil. Although we are not to serve people and make people happy, we must certainly serve God and make Him pleased with us. When serving God, we can’t worry about what others think of us, especially if they are judging, however we must make sure we do not cause a stumbling block for someone else. Sometimes we have to abstain from things in order to live a righteous life and to ensure sin (or the appearance of it) is not named against us. Romans 14:13 says, “Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.” Jesus said in Revelation 2:14, “But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication.” Therefore, on the topic of cohabitation, since people could think couples who live together prior to marraige partake in fornication, and especially if they profess to be a Christian, it could put a stumbling block before a sinner or Christian. The stumbling block is leading someone to believe it is ok to partake in fornication. Even if you know you are not partaking in fornication, others may not and that is where the stumbling block issue arises. Furthermore, if we cause a stumbling block in someone else’s life, God will judge us for that and you won’t have to worry about other people judging. For these reasons, this is why we need to abstain from the appearance of evil (e.g., abstain from cohabitation (the appearance) since it could appear to others that we condone or partake in fornication (the evil)).

5.       Issue 4 – Many people live together prior to marriage for one convenience or another. Some feel that they are “ok” in the sight of God since they have justified their convenience. I understand what they are saying, however I also see an issue spiritually. Several scriptures come to mind. Galatians 5:9, “A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump.” James 2:10, “For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.” Matthew 10:37, “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” The theme of these scriptures come to my mind because even though the convenience may be justifiable (moving in with a partner to help each other out either financially, emotionally, socially, etc.), if that convenience/good act causes a person to sin or have the appearance of sin, then that would be “a little leaven”, “offend in one point”, and “loveth son or daughter”. This God would judge for. We cannot think that works will save us from the judgment God. It is only repentance and holy living that will avoid the judgment of God.

With every topic, we must look to God’s Word to see what He says and how we are supposed to live. It doesn’t really matter what we think, it matters what God’s infallible Word says. Once He shows us the truth, we must not let it go for anything (Proverbs 23:23 – Buy the truth, and sell it not). We need to be like the Bereans and receive the word with all readiness of mind, and search the scriptures daily, whether things were true or false (Acts 17:11). I am thankful that no matter what sin we have committed, God will forgive us if we repent (with Godly sorrow and a desire to change). I am also thankful that God will not judge us for things we do not know are sin (James 4:17). However once we do know the truth, we are expected to live by it no matter what for Jesus said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments" (John 14:15).